Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Christ, where to begin!

Let's start with a Republican having a lucid moment. Senator Chuck Hagel (R-NE) is calling on President Shrub to stop attacking critics of the Iraq disaster. Hagel even went as far as to say that members of Congress who fail to question the war could be responsible for another Vietnam.

The Republicans managed to avoid the first Vietnam, maybe they feel badly about it and want to involve themselves in a new one! As long as they don't have to actually fight, of course.

At least Congress get to enjoy a two week holiday vacation, after a late night session consisting of voting themselves a pay raise and a sham vote to pull out of Iraq. They really don't want to be the majority party anymore. After 10 years, maybe they are tired. Or maybe, just maybe, they know that they can get away with this partisan bullshit and still get elected.

I'm still wondering where we will go next. Syria? Iran? North Korea? If all of this was really about 9/11, Saudi Arabia would be a parking lot by now. But they are our friends, even after doing this on a regular basis.

Since we are never leaving Iraq or Afghanistan, can we fight a three-front war?

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Women Of The Fright, A Long Goddamn Flight & Election Night!

Everytime I read an Ann Coulter op-ed piece, after I finish my first thought is always, "This is a joke." This is usually followed by "She can't get any worse." She's not joking, and she's getting worse.

She is on a mission to promote Joe McCarthy to sainthood, after attempting to destroy Bill Clinton for getting a blow job. And Fox News has her on at least twice a week! Amazing...

Speaking of Fox News (and crazy bitches) Greta VanSustren is on the case for another missing rich white woman! Fox knows that all crime is committed against rich white women, and rich white women only! One final thought on Natalee Holloway: If you are a hot 18 year old girl drinking in a bar with strange men, the BEST thing that can happen to you is a raging, category 5 case of The Clap. Yes, that's the best thing. The worst thing is what probably happened to her. So naturally, Mom and Dad want to boycott Aruba. You raised an idiot; it's not an island's fault.

Listed under "Top Stories" on the AP wire: "Lost" loses another main character. The only reason this fucking show is as popular as it is is because the AP considers the loss of a main character a "top story". Still not setting TIVO to record it.

Young people don't care about politics or current events, right? They do in Hillsdale, Michigan. On Tuesday, 18-year old Michael Sessions was elected mayor as a write in candidate! And the best part, he beat an incumbent! These off year elections are putting a smile on my face. People are getting fed up in more places than Virginia and New Jersey. I can't wait for the mid-terms!

Boeing set a record today for the world's longest commercial flight. The 12,586 mile flight from Hong Kong to London Heathrow lasted 23 hours, forcing the showing of 5 movies and the serving of 3 meals, all of which were of "typical" airline quality (think about watching "Glitter" while eating Swiss Steak (Meatloaf?) at 35,000 feet in the air in a building that you can't leave).

And finally, the riots in France seem to be losing steam, a day after 3 new terrorist attacks in Amman, Jordan. This is all great for Fox News; they can focus on Jordan and France and skip over the 33 more dead in Iraq, mostly civilians (no Americans). You can always tell the people that watch Fox News and only Fox News: they are convinced that everything in the world is OK and moving in the right direction, despite evidence to the contrary.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

My apologies to the four people that read my blog. I've been a touch under the weather. But now I am back and...


A PASTOR in Texas has been killed by an electric shock after grabbing a microphone while performing a baptism in water.

Just a couple of things:

1. This happened in Waco, which is now officially the center of all things unholy. (Branch Davidian compound, W's Crawford ranch, Dr. Pepper was invented there, etc.)

2. Does Holy Water have to be reblessed after 110 volts of electricity shoot through it? Or is it 220 or more?

Saturday, October 29, 2005

This can't be happening...

Sylvester Stallone has announced that Rambo IV is in pre-production. The last movie in the series (Rambo III) was released in 1988, when he was a young man of 42. Jesus Christ.

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to see Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot Again! If a movie was ever ripe for a sequel, it's that one.

Damage Control Inc.

Heads were exploding all around at Fox News with the indictment of I. Lewis (Scooter) Libby yesterday.

Newt Gingrich: Joe Wilson is a liar!
Hey Newt, you were banished to the land of the irrelevant back in 1999.

Ann Coulter: Valerie Plame is a cunt!
Ann, have the makeup guy at Fox do a better job on your Adam's Apple, kay?

Sean Hannity: What about Clinton! What about Clinton!
Term limits, douchebag. If there weren't any, even Diebold couldn't secure W's victory against Bill. Sorry, dude, I know that hurts.

Dick Morris: This administration would be lost without Karl Rove.
Yeah, it would. And that's what makes this whole situation so sad.

Michelle Malkin: Fitzgerald's parents immigrated to America illegally!
I think yours did too, Michelle. Your whiney, GOP shill act is payment for their green cards.

Bill O'Reilly: Both Delay and Libby are innocent until proven guilty. If they enter the "no-spin zone", they will both get to tell their sides and because I have the greatest show in the history of cable news, if they present themselves well, they will be aquitted. You heard it here, folks.
Someone needs to tell Loofa boy to go Peabody himself.

You get the idea. We went from "illicit blow jobs" to "print our wartime propaganda or face the wrath of Rove". America is not fooled, even with all of the above spinning like Joe Lieberman's dreidel.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Another Great Moment In White Trash History!

MEDFORD, Oregon (AP) -- A woman bought a winning lottery ticket worth $1 million with a stolen credit card and could wind up with nothing if convicted, police said.

These tickets cost a dollar! A DOLLAR! She couldn't have found (or stole) a fucking one dollar bill to buy a goddamn lottery ticket?

Anyway, it turns out she has been in trouble in the past, due to a meth habit. Police were still trying to track down the first installment payment she received for $33,500, which did not turn up after a search of her house. Hint: If she's been awake non-stop since she claimed the prize...
People, You Don't Need To Give Us All Of Your Money Today....

Florida Governor Jeb Bush urged people to not hoard gasoline in the wake of Hurricane Wilma, Rita, Katrina, Alpha, Beta, and Delta House (the party hurricane).

There is only a "temporary distribution problem", according to Little Bush. You would think that with record profits and the second highest prices on record, there would be no distribution problems! Where the fuck is all of this money going, and can we send it directly to the Bush Cartel and eliminate the middleman?
You know Republicans are in trouble when...

Ann Coulter, the official GOP dominatrix, has written two op-ed pieces this week. Well, actually 1.4 pieces, as they are remarkably similar in lack of content and early high school writing style.

Click here and here, if you dare.

The funniest part, at least to me, is how she is convinced that the liberals are happy about Harriet Miers going back to the White House to work under W's desk. She suffers the same delusional behavior as Sean Hannity, where everything going on now is Clinton's fault.

New rule: If you own books written by Coulter, Hannity, Dobson, and O'Reilly you are not allowed to vote. Sorry, if your bookcase contains these four "authors", you do not have the best interests of America at heart. Stay home on election day.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

OK, now that prices are falling....

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist has called for hearings into the high price of oil. Here's the best part:

"If there are those who abuse the free enterprise system to advantage themselves and their businesses at the expense of all Americans, they ought to be exposed, and they ought to be ashamed," Frist said in a statement.

Hey asshole, does your statement apply to insider trading?

This is what gets me all pissed off. Back in 1998-99, the Republicans were so full of righteous indignation over the Clinton scandals. Not a peep now, and that includes this. Frist is trying to divert unwanted attention over a shady stock deal, and needs "little guy" points for his re-election bid. People need to see this for what it is: a fucking smokescreen.

Speaking of smokescreen:

Miers Nomination Comes To Screeching Halt

Click above to read all about it.

I have made peace with my inner cynic; I even enjoy his company, on occasion. This, friends, was another smokescreen. According to my inner cynic:

-Bush loves to appoint friends, qualified or not.
-Bush knew that everyone, including HIS WACKO NUTJOB BASE, would be less than thrilled with this pick.
-Bush needed a distraction, what with the indictments coming up and God's little remodeling job on Florida and the Gulf Coast.
-Bush knew that Miers could provide that distraction, because there is sheetrock lying around Washington that is more qualified to sit on the Supreme Court.
-Bush cuts Miers loose, since she served her purpose, so now....
-Bush can nominate someone who has given Jerry Falwell, James Dobson, and Pat Robertson each a reach around (or vise versa).
-If the Dems criticize the anointed pick of the Shiite Christians, the righties will scream "obstruction" and "let the president do his job!"

I could be wrong, but you have to admit, it's beautiful and fucking brilliant! And it's all Karl Rove. If Rove goes to prison, Bush will be in the Oval Office, curled up in the fetal position, sucking his thumb and pissing himself.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Cease And Desist...Or I'll Ask You Again To Cease And Desist!

The White House, because there is a real lack of issues troubling the country right now, has asked "The Onion" satirical news website to stop using the Presidential Seal in their parodies of the administration.

This is really stupid. No one has to write jokes anymore! This presidency is a parody of a presidency! Can we make Bush stop using the seal? That would make so much more sense!

Oh, and no one got sand in their vagina over the parodies of the Clinton White House. The GOP hacks and spinmeisters would be funny if they weren't suffering from category 5 mental illness.
The Priests Are Just Eliminating Competition...

A Roman Catholic high school in Newark, N.J. has ordered its students to remove their online diaries from the Internet, citing a threat from cyberpredators.

No word yet if the priests have condemned the special oral "communion".

A priest citing threats from "cyberpredators" is kind of like Courtney Love speaking at an elementary school D.A.R.E. function.
Rosa Parks 1913-2005

I'm totally convinced that about 95% of history is a complete accident. The other 5% is the most powerful; it is manipulated by the 1% in charge that control everything. (I'm done with percentages, at least with this post)

The 95% (sorry) is what truly fascinates me, though. It gives me hope for the future, that any one of us, at the right place at the right time, if the planets align just right, can truly make a difference.

Rosa Parks was tired and just wanted to get home on that historic day back in 1955. When she was asked to give up her seat, she refused. She wasn't looking for a fight, or a protest. She just wanted what everyone else wanted: respect and a seat on a damn bus!

Of course, it was the start of something great, bigger than her, bigger than Dr. King, bigger than any one person. In ten years, a woman refusing to surrender her seat becomes a quarter of a million people marching on our nation's capital. To me, that's awesome. The best part of life is that you never know, you may be called next.


p.s.: Ever wonder how our friends at Fox News would have handled Rosa Parks and the civil rights movement? Well, wonder no more!
It's All In The Eyes...

Michelle Malkin is at it again! Is she losing her mind over the looming indictments of Rove and Libby, the future court appearances of Tom Delay, or W's popularity going down like a teenage Christian girl in an "abstinence education" class? Fuck no!

Someone has altered Condi's pic to make her look like some sort of Voodoo princess! Oh, the outrage!

I'm going to open up my Photoshop program and try to turn Malkin into a white woman. Actually, that would probably get my name into her blogring. Crazy bitch.

Let's Go Cubs!

Thankfully, it only took 4 games.

The ChiSox are world champs, sweeping the Astros, who were easily the worst team to ever reach the World Series.

Now, we need the Cubs and Indians to play against each other next year, and we can end all the curses and get on with our pathetic little lives.

Another Bush Blames Himself...

Jeb Bush wants the blame for the delays in supply distribution following Hurricane Wilma. It was similar to what W did after Katrina.

And it's easy to do when you don't have to worry about winning elections! These guys are both lame ducks, and even if they weren't, they would still get enough "votes"!

No Cancer and Two Large Pizzas With Everything!

THC, the active ingredient in Marijuana, may retard (HA!) the growth of cancerous cells in the lungs.

Despite this report and other evidence, the federal government still feels that weed has no medicinal value.

No less that eight university studies on the potential medical benefits of marijuana constitutes no evidence? (Insert your own WMD, Iraq war joke here.)